My husband and I have very little patience for this type of rudeness. Me, because, really, should a parent educator\'s kids be talking that way? What if someone hears them? My husband can\'t stand it because he truly values polite speech.

We spent a few days trying to stop the breach in etiquette, like this:

\"We don\'t say Shut Up in this house!\"

\"Shut up is not a nice word!\"

\"Find another way to talk to your brother/sister!\"

It was started to get out of hand. Nothing was helping. It was time to try problem solving with the kids.

The next time someone said, \"Shut up\", I suggested we have a meeting:

\"Guys, I don\'t like it when you use that word and neither doesDaddy. We feel like it falls into the category of Nivel Peh. Tonight at dinner we are going to talk about  what we should do.\"

Over meatballs and spaghetti, which by the way, happened to be delicious, we had our discussion.

We went through 7 steps of Problem Solving:

1. Parents, talk about your feelings:

\"Daddy and I don\'t like it when you use the phrase \"Shut Up.\" It\'s not the kind of word we like to hear in our house.\"

2. Let the kids talk about their feelings:

Here is what they said:

A: \"Well, he makes fun of me so I tell him to Shut Up\"

E: \"What are we supposed to do if we don\'t like what the other person is saying. Shut Up really makes them Shut up! Nothing else works!\"

T: \"I don\'t think the word is so bad. All my friends use it\" (Note to self: find her new friends)

M: \"Yeh, what is so bad about it anyway? It\'s not like it is a real curse word.\"

E: \"What kind of word can we use instead? There is nothing else that works.\"

3. Reflect their feelings:

\"So you guys don\'t think it is such a terrible word. It also sounds like you all are having some trouble getting along. Sometimes you are being teased and sometimes you just don\'t like what the other kids are saying to you. You feel like \"Shut Up\" is an all purpose word. It stops the teasing and it makes people stop talking to you in a way that you don\'t like.

4. Name the problem and invite kids to come up with a solution:

Daddy and I don\'t like the word. So can we think of another word that can stop teasing and makes people stop talking to you in a way that you don\'t like?

5. Brainstorm without any judgements and write down everyone\'s ideas:

M: What if we say S U?

T: What about \"Shut it\"?

A: What about \"Open Down\"? Get it? It\'s the opposite of \"Shut up.\"

E: What if we say, \"Shut Up\" very softly so no one can hear it.

Me: What if you say, \"Be Quiet!\"

Husband: How about \"Leave me alone!\"

6. Review all your ideas:

Me: The problem with \"S U\" is that it sounds like something really not appropriate. So I think we need to nix that. What do you think?

Husband: I really don\'t like \"Shut it.\" It sounds just as rude as \"Shut up.\"

A: Well what about my idea of \"Open Down?\"

Me: If you want to use \"Open Down\" that is fine with me.

E: No one is going to know what you are talking about. That is not going to work. I am going to say \"Shut Up\" to myself quietly.

M: How is that going to help? No one can hear you.

E: It will make me feel better.

Me: I am cool with that.  As long as no one can hear you. I think that is fine.

Husband: What about \"Be Quiet\" and \"Leave me alone\"? Will that work for you guys?

Everyone agreed.

7. Give a quick recap of your decision:

Me: So E, you have decided that you are going to say, \"Shut up\" silently. The rest of us are going to say, \"Be Quiet!\" or \"Leave Me Alone!\"

So far so good. It has been two days and I have not heard \"Shut up\" yet. I hope the  peace lasts for a long time. If not, do not fear, it is just time to have another problem solving session.

Forum: Parenting ]]> http://chanaweisberg.websitetoolbox.com/post?id=5697741 Tue, 07 Feb 2012 10:13:15 GMT http://chanaweisberg.websitetoolbox.com/post?id=5628209 Hi Chana Jenny,

Forum: General ]]> http://chanaweisberg.websitetoolbox.com/post?id=5628209 Mon, 19 Dec 2011 21:50:16 GMT http://chanaweisberg.websitetoolbox.com/post?id=5579213 BS'D

State of Iowa Set to Imprison Jewish Mother

By Rabbi Chaim Goldberger and Gila Julie Levi

It has been said, “As goes Iowa, so goes the nation.” If so, it’s time to really worry about the direction of our country. Iowa is continuing to display ominous signs of injustice and prosecutorial abuse, especially if someone is trying to operate a business venture in their state and is seen as an outsider in any way.

Mrs. Wendy Weiner Runge (Ze’eva Rochel bas Chaya), a frum Minnesota mom of four, has been sentenced to ten years in an Iowa state prison. This is the same state that put Sholom Mordechai Rubashkin in prison for 27 years.

On the pshat level, in February 2011, Runge was found guilty of one count of improperly filling out an application form for a film industry project. On the remez level, she’s a scapegoat for the State of Iowa’s failed film incentive program. And if $40,000 is not raised by December 31, 2011 so she can continue to pay her lawyers and cover the costs for her defense, she will need to give up her two-year battle and report to jail.

What Happened

In 2008, Wendy signed on to help produce a thoughtful film about modern spiritual values. Her job was to secure investor deposits and manage the production’s finances, a job that allowed her to utilize her talent with numbers and love of working with people. Enjoying a pre-meltdown wave of local economic development initiatives, Wendy and her tiny production company received an invitation from the State of Iowa to make her movie there, in exchange for which the State would issue resalable state tax credits she could use to fund the production.

In August of that year, Wendy accepted the offer. The rules were clear. As executive producer, Wendy would submit the budget to the State office of filmmaking, where it would be reviewed and verified by state government officials. Upon approval, the numbers would be accepted by officials of the Department of Economic Development, after which the state would issue tax credits for the equivalent amount. A win-win arrangement, this deal would bring capital to the film project and economic activity to Iowa.

Wendy and her company completed the movie, The Scientist, in November 2008. The tax credits were issued in December. Late in 2009, Wendy was informed that she was to be criminally charged for her participation in the state program.

Something had gone wrong.

The initial problem had nothing to do with Wendy. In September 2009, the government shut down the State Film Office. Despite commitments already made and numerous projects already under contract, the State apparently decided the program was not living up to its initial promise. The governor – already unpopular with an electorate that would soon turn him out of office – fired the entire Film Office staff and ordered all submissions and contracts reviewed and audited.

These contracts had already been thoroughly examined, audited, and passed by the State officials. Wendy had submitted nothing for reimbursement without receiving prior authorization from the director of the tax credit program. All her email correspondence attests to that and is part of the public record. If a governor’s investigation was being launched, one would think it would be directed at the audit people in the state Film Office.

But when the government needed to find culpability for the less-than-satisfying results of their program, did they look to the statute to make sure it was good law? Did they look internally to see if Iowa had sufficient experience to understand the norms practiced in the motion picture industry? Did they look at the performance of their own auditors and film officials? (Actually, they just fired them all.)

No – they filed criminal charges against Wendy Runge.

The Attorney General needs no evidence to indict a citizen -- just a conjecture and an available target. Wendy made herself such a target by doing nothing more than completing a successful project at Iowa’s invitation and under state officials’ supervision, seeking to run more such projects already under contract, and speaking up for herself and 22 other independent film companies when the governor wanted to release their financial data after having guaranteed them strict confidentiality. She sought, and received, a court injunction preventing that -- and she became a target.

Oh, and one more thing. Wendy Runge, like Sholom Mordechai Rubashkin before her, was an Iowa outsider.

The Iowa attitude toward outsiders is mindboggling. Outsiders are welcome as long as they are enriching the state, but once something happens that disturbs the state’s serenity, they are subject to merciless oppression.

In Wendy’s case, bureaucratic failure led to a hunt by the attorney general’s office for a suitable villain. While the state officials actually responsible for the program’s poor execution – all Iowa insiders – were simply fired and later granted immunity from prosecution, outsider Wendy Runge was charged with felony theft, ongoing criminal conduct, and intent to defraud the state.

Was Wendy indeed targeted because she was a Rubashkin-like outsider? No one can confirm that, obviously, but certain facts cannot be overlooked.

 At their first meeting after Wendy’s arrest, Deputy Attorney General Tom Miller paused during questioning, leaned across the table toward her, and remarked, “So, how is the Rubashkin family doing?” Their research had evidently alerted them to Wendy’s Orthodox Jewish lifestyle, leading to a presumption of collegiality. (In fact, Wendy had never met any member of the Rubashkin family.)

As believers in justice and fair play, our duty remains to stand by our sister in her hour of need. Wendy’s youngest children have tearfully asked their mother, “Will you say goodbye to us, or will they just take you away?” Iowa’s prisons are not a safe place for a Jewish woman. We must open our hearts in prayer and in generosity, ensuring that Wendy can pay her legal bills, cover her incidental expenses, and keep her family from falling apart.

We must beseech the Almighty for an end to all our trials and tribulations, and for a clear sign that the dawning of a new era – the era of the Ge’ulah Shlemah – is about to cancel all our oppression and dry away all our tears.

 ***

To donate to Wendy Runge’s defense fund, please send checks payable to Rabbi’s Discretionary Fund for Mrs. Runge, Kenesseth Israel Congregation, 4330 West 28^th Street, Minneapolis, MN 55416.

OR to donate by PayPal: 

Forum: Your Announcements ]]> http://chanaweisberg.websitetoolbox.com/post?id=5579213 Mon, 14 Nov 2011 22:13:06 GMT http://chanaweisberg.websitetoolbox.com/post?id=5566308  
During the six-month training, Fellows will acquire the tools, learn the skills and receive mentorship, coaching and support from a network of exceptional individuals who are dedicated to Jewish educational change.
 
Applications are available at http://www.threshold.org.il/apply/ Deadline to apply is no later than November 27th

Forum: Your Announcements ]]> http://chanaweisberg.websitetoolbox.com/post?id=5566308 Sun, 06 Nov 2011 10:11:27 GMT http://chanaweisberg.websitetoolbox.com/post?id=5556364 http://www.chatzos.com

Forum: General ]]> http://chanaweisberg.websitetoolbox.com/post?id=5556364 Sun, 30 Oct 2011 10:18:00 GMT http://chanaweisberg.websitetoolbox.com/post?id=5553464 "I yearn to be more serene and tranquil. I truly want to listen deeply to my friends and family. I long to not feel frazzled or stressed by the challenges of running my home and parenting my children. I desire to live with gratitude; appreciating the gifts of my life. I wish to be nurturing and spread good feelings to others." 

Forum: General ]]> http://chanaweisberg.websitetoolbox.com/post?id=5553464 Thu, 27 Oct 2011 21:12:45 GMT http://chanaweisberg.websitetoolbox.com/post?id=5553338 Dear My Little Lima Bean,

I miss you. I love you. You’re in a better place now. Your Tikun is done. Such a special Neshama you are that you only had to be here for 9 weeks. How was it? Were you happy? Was anything painful? Did you learn a lot? Did I take care of you well? Did you feel my love and caring? Did I do something that caused you to leave? Was I too nervous? Did I eat too much junk food? Did you feel my negative thoughts? Did they make you sad? Did leaving me hurt? I’ll have to wait a while for your answers but I am so looking forward to seeing you again.

I feel so sad now. I bonded with you for 9 weeks. Dreaming about meeting you after 9 months and finally seeing your little face and touching your little fingers and hugging your little body and kissing your yummy cheeks. And even hearing that desperate cry which only I could comfort. So even though they told me that you were only the size of a lima bean when you left this world, to me you were so much more. You were an entire life. And it’s really hard to say goodbye for now to you and all the dreams and hopes and prayers that I had for you.

I know that my comfort lies in the fact that you really are in a better place and that Hashem did this so that I can come closer to Him. All these tears I cry and this pain I feel is ultimately good.

Love Always and Forever, 

Your Mommy

Forum: Pregnancy and Birth ]]> http://chanaweisberg.websitetoolbox.com/post?id=5553338 Thu, 27 Oct 2011 19:31:57 GMT http://chanaweisberg.websitetoolbox.com/post?id=5553325 http://www.chabad.org/multimedia/media_cdo/aid/1583432/jewish/How-to-Waterproof-Your-Life.htm

Forum: General ]]> http://chanaweisberg.websitetoolbox.com/post?id=5553325 Thu, 27 Oct 2011 19:21:48 GMT http://chanaweisberg.websitetoolbox.com/post?id=5547030

Forum: Parenting ]]> http://chanaweisberg.websitetoolbox.com/post?id=5547030 Sun, 23 Oct 2011 08:20:19 GMT http://chanaweisberg.websitetoolbox.com/post?id=5522727 A few weeks ago on Shabbos, after my husband said Kiddush, I responded “Amen.” And then a tiny voice rang out in echo “Ah-men”. My daughter had responded Amen to a brachah for the very first time.

It is my job as a mother to teach these things to my child, and I’ll admit it, I haven’t even bothered with “Amen” yet. She only has a few dozen words under her belt, and my recent efforts have been trying to teach her that not every single thing that goes into her mouth is called a “cookie”. Therefore it was quite a surprise when she said it of her own volition. Then I was just downright giddy when she said it after ha-motzi. Not only could she say the word, she knew when to say it!

I haven’t learned much yet in my mommyhood, but one thing I have learned is that some of the best things are the unexpected ones. There is what to be said for the sense of accomplishment a mommy feels when your child finally does something that you have been painstakingly attempting to teach them for days. Yet, that being said, there is little that can compete with the complete sense of awe and wonder that accompanies a totally unprovoked or unexpected reaction. But who could I share it with?

It’s a tough parsha being a convert, and an even tougher one marrying a ba’al teshuvah from a secular Jewish family. Not only must we make our own traditions and forge a path for our children so unlike the one we took, but we must undergo it alone. When my daughter said “Amen”, it was an adorable moment that I wanted to share with someone, a parent, a sister, someone in my family who could enjoy as much nachas as we did. But there was no one. I told my mother-in-law, but a frown crossed her face. So she said “Amen,” had she learned her ABCs? She did not and could not share my nachas. I don’t blame her or resent her for this, our life style is so foreign to her. We can’t enjoy this moment together, there will be others.

Thankfully, my best friend was there to “ooh” and “aah” in all the right places. This gave me pause to think. Did I have all the tools I needed to forge the path of “Ima”? In my short time as an Ima, here are the tools I have learned are important. 

First, you must make shalom bayis a priority. Without having a strong relationship with your spouse, this road will be infinitely more difficult and lonely. Your relationship with your spouse must take priority over everything, yes sometimes even your children.

Second, you must make sure you have a mentor you rely on and can learn from. This is imperative to helping you battle the necessary battles. There must be someone who you can call and rely on who can be your sounding board and mirror, who can help you know which fights to pick and where to put your efforts.

Last, but not least, you need friends. You need friends who are similar situations, with whom you can share ups and downs. This will be the validation you need when you are having a day where nothing goes right, and this will be the cheer in the audience when something spectacular happens.

Does my daughter know what “Amen” means? Not yet, she has heard it enough to be able to repeat it.  What is important here is that she knows it is a word that is important in our house. And with that little Amen, she helped me take a moment to prioritize and focus on the tools I need to be the mommy I want to be.

Forum: Parenting ]]> http://chanaweisberg.websitetoolbox.com/post?id=5522727 Wed, 05 Oct 2011 18:45:36 GMT http://chanaweisberg.websitetoolbox.com/post?id=5517132 Just turned on my computer after 3 day Rosh Hashana/shabbat, and discovered that this message board was overrun by spam. I'm not going to be able to delete all of it, but I will be moderating all future messages to, IY"H, keep the spam under control. 

Forum: General ]]> http://chanaweisberg.websitetoolbox.com/post?id=5517132 Sat, 01 Oct 2011 19:49:30 GMT http://chanaweisberg.websitetoolbox.com/post?id=5486941 My name is Shifra Mincer. Inspired by my work as a birth doula, I have created a website called: http://www.layda.org

I celebrates birth in the Jewish community. As part of that, my vision is to see birth and birth experiences shared and discussed more. If you would like to help spark that conversation by contributing your story, please e-mail me!

Would love to hear how birth impacted your identity as a Jewish woman, as a woman, as a Jew, as a person? Any thoughts to share, please let me know!

Best,
Shifra
shifra.mincer@gmail.com
@Layda-org

Forum: Pregnancy and Birth ]]> http://chanaweisberg.websitetoolbox.com/post?id=5486941 Mon, 12 Sep 2011 03:37:18 GMT http://chanaweisberg.websitetoolbox.com/post?id=5483180 My three year old is having a tough time transitioning to gan.  She was in the same maon for three years, it was comfortable and she knew it.  Still sometimes she had trouble saying goodbye, and has trouble with transitions in general.  She very much likes to be in control. 

Forum: Parenting ]]> http://chanaweisberg.websitetoolbox.com/post?id=5483180 Fri, 09 Sep 2011 08:40:43 GMT http://chanaweisberg.websitetoolbox.com/post?id=5482394

Forum: Parenting ]]> http://chanaweisberg.websitetoolbox.com/post?id=5482394 Thu, 08 Sep 2011 20:08:21 GMT http://chanaweisberg.websitetoolbox.com/post?id=5481228 With my first child, I always had one role.  Either I protected and comforted her when she needed, or I got into "tough Mom" mode when she needed a little disciplining.
The other day, as I sat nursing my baby, my almost 2 year-old came over to me with a book. "When your brother finishes eating, I'll read a book to you," I said.  That wasn't good enough for her.  She proceeded to wind up and slam the book onto her brother's head while he nursed.  Needless to say, this didn't make him too happy and he immediately began to wail.  To give a little background, this sweet boy is very sensitive and without getting a book chucked at his head he sometimes has difficulty with his nursing.  It therefore took almost an hour for me to calm him down and convince him that it was ok to nurse again and he would not receive cranial injury as a result.
During this hour, I had my first experience of balancing multiple parental roles at the same time.  At first I began to act strict and discipline my daughter with time out.  Then I realized that when I got harsh with her, my tone of voice would upset the baby even further.  I had to simultaneously teach her a lesson and focus just as much energy, if not more, on calming this sweet, sensitive baby.
Most likely this experience is the first of many similar scenarios, with siblings only 16 months apart.
If anyone has any good mothering advice for balancing these situations, or similar stories to share, I would love to hear them!

Forum: Parenting ]]> http://chanaweisberg.websitetoolbox.com/post?id=5481228 Thu, 08 Sep 2011 02:28:12 GMT